I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He felt like a one man threesome
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
