youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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