I'm really into asian looking animals
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
