Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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