Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
