I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
