I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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