A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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