I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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