Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
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Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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