I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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