Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
