You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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