I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
