My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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