Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
