paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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