so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
