There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
