Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
