drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
