im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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