when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
