K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
