Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
