my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
