We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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