Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
