There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
