I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
