Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
