At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
