You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
