you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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