my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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