JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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