Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
