can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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