I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
