i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
