i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
