I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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