I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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