You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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