So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
