did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
