All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
