I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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