I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
