that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
