the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
