i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
