Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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