Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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