Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's get the cat blown out
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
