im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.