FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.