3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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