apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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