Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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