I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
