She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
