Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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